Broda Fela, Aunty Ngozi and my friend, Ajala

“Hey you, just be travelling anyhow o. We met in London few months ago, last month you were in New York, this week you’re instagraming in Geneva. Same you they saw in Tanzania last Christmas.”

“Haha monitoring spirit, I’m here for a conference. All-expense paid kilo feel? Hehe.”

“Kai, international figure. You don blow o. I dey envy you.”

“Hahaha lol. Beef. No be my fault. Na God.”

“Hmmn, you don start. Everything na God. Biko tell me your secret and share the dollars plix.”

“Not yet my friend, when the elections are about three months we’ll start sharing the dollars. Anyways how are you settling into your new job?

“So far so good. I should say what I saw in medical practice in Naija was at best what these guys probably did in the early 90s.”

“Eh ehn? No wonder you people are leaving in droves. I’m scared o. These frequent strikes don’t even help matters at all. It’s as if government can’t be bothered. Now people just pray not to fall ill.”

“Haha you never see. Nigeria’s health sector has been in a mess since my teachers were students themselves. Wo, it’s always a sad thing for me to talk about. Let’s talk something else, we have gist to catch up on.

“Ok o, hope you’ve finally found the “white” church you were looking for.”

“Yesso, I attend a white church and guess what? We ate barbeque and burger today after service with rice, salads, mashed potatoes and orishirishi. Just for family get-together. Not to mention that we usually have tea and coffee after every service o. Aiye o le my friend (life is not hard), but I never hesperred it”

“Lool, last time I was in my church, it was ‘Harvest and Thanksgiving’ after service”

“That your church sha, me I like your Sunday-Sunday twerking though. By the way, I once went to a Nigerian church here. There, If you have testimony, just carry envelope with you as you dey go because a silver dish is waiting you. You must drop something. Even if you came to sing or gist as you ladies do (tongue out) in the name of ’testimony’.”

“O serious, what do you mean by that (eyes rolling)? Anyways which church is that? Ise ile lo n bawon de ita! (their usual practice in Nigeria has continued with them into outside world). I heard some big Nigerian pastors currently have problems with police over there.”

“You go fear Naija now. We represent everywhere. One Nigerian lady in my White church came out once to testify. She collected mic. Loudly, she said ‘Praaaaaaaaaaaaaise the Lord.’ People quietly responded “Halleluyah”. Again she said “praise, praise, praaaaaaaaaise the Looooooooooord” Oyinbo people say ‘Halleluyah’. In my mind I said ‘wahala dey, they won’t give her mic next time o’. I saw the looks on the face of the predominantly white population, those of “why is she shouting like this?” “who be this?” Small time, I heard “If you know you serve a living God and God is your Father, stand on your feet and shout Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuyah!” I said “e don be today which kain wahala be this?” People no gree stand. Well some people stood. She sang Miracle Worker like the building should start vibrating. Anyways we all sang sha.”

“So has she been given the mic again?”

“Yes. No discrimination. Turns out she has been part of the family for a long time. She came out again but she maintained herself, but you’ll still know she is Naija”

“Laughs, You ehn. What’s your own? Are you God? Let her be biko.”

“Wetin consign me. When are you back to Lagos? Wait first, how is Lagos sef?

“Lagos dey o. I’m going back this weekend. There are lots of construction works going on, hopefully when you come, you’ll see things have really changed. Oshodi is turning into California. Ambode deserves some accolades.”

“Lol. So you’re joined the Nunu gang. Me I just want him to ban those metal casings called danfo in Lagos. They don’t belong to this century. Human beings should not be carried about in those things with dirty wooden seats loosely fixed in rusty iron frames.”

“I would say at least ban from major roads.”

“Nope, they should ban them totally from carrying human beings. They are not dignifying at all. They can replace them all with BRT buses. They just have to give them notice. A determined leader will do it once and for all. It is possible. Okada was banned in Benin city.”

“It’s not going to happen my friend. Rich people now use those buses too”

“How?”

“Didn’t you see Otedola inside Molue?”

“Ah hmmn, that video where everyone surrounding him were bodyguards. They were not even professional enough to make it believable. I think that fake video makes a mockery of everyday people who use danfo and molue. It would have been better if he used BRT.”

“They know these things but they just want to act on people’s unsuspecting emotions. He doesn’t need to enter Molue in Nigeria to identify with the common man. Does he by himself have disguise as petrol attendant at Forte oil to know how pump machines are manipulated at filling stations?”

“Obviously not, but isn’t that what Naija’s elites are using to rub the poor Nigerian majority? Fayose eats roasted corn on the street. Buhari drinks N50 satchet milk. Atiku posing with ‘pure water’.”

“That one small, Buhari bent over to pick something Mama Fawehinmi dropped on the floor. I’m sure he wouldn’t have done that if he had seen that Aunty Ngozi’s video”

“He probably saw it but, anything to change his ‘the other room’ narrative. Election is here, people need to see ‘the other side of him’ that we didn’t know in the last three years that he can show us after 2019”

“Is that what his Twitter team are saying?”

“Any publicity is good we know but social media can deceive o. Trump has proven it. Brexit too. I just hope Uncle Fela and Sowore know social media or Lagos doesn’t win elections”

“Neither of them will win. I won’t waste my vote them.”

“Of course they know. They just want to test the waters and move from talk to actually showing up. At least. Sowore, appears to me like another Fayose or Okorocha based in US. Watch his argument with Donald Duke some time ago. He is brash. We don’t need another Trump in the world.”

“What about Fela Durotoye?”

“I would have thought Fela would contest for House of Rep first. He doesn’t need 180 million people for that. Only his constituency. He will then need to play politics with maybe 250 people to gain prominence in national leadership. The legislature is where it matters most in a democracy in my opinion. Currently, our NASS is toothless.”

“True talk, a national assembly is one of those crucial areas where the success or failure of a democratic nation is largely determined. Imagine one person hijacking our maze in broad day light! I was in tears.”

“They now summoned the IG of Police. Of course he won’t show up. To him they are just ranting like Lasisi.”

“Lol…Our incredible IG. Did you watch his viral video by the way?

“Oh yeah, to be fair, if that video was doctored, that was wicked thing. Humanly speaking no one deserves that. But I think the video was genuine.”

“Yes it was. It actually happened. My colleagues were there. I’m a journalist remember?”

“Trust you. I would think that was an incident. He deserves human dignity and respect. Maybe he suffered a stroke. I’m a doctor remember?”

“Hahaha, So you’re saying his performance is a separate thing from his oratory.”

“Let’s leave Police matter jare, those ones that couldn’t track down a ‘stolen, no-particulars’ SUV from Abuja to Lagos. And back!”

“How?”

“The undercover journalist bribed his way with a total of N46k at few checkpoints in broad daylight!”

“Imagine! And their SARS only recognizes robbers as anything wearing jeans and T-shirt with a laptop”

“They have to end that thing called SARS. They are a barbaric killer squad”

“Oyinbo, abeg #ENDSARS. Just so you know though that I’m voting Donald Duke?”

“Donald Duke? Why?”

“Well, I don’t know…He’s handsome (eyes rolling)”

Laughs…Ok bye”

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